Off the bat, I have one issue with the idea of being “chosen.” It insinuates that the woman must wait until she is good enough or noticed enough to join the the team. Beloved, you are ALREADY EVERYTHING! To be chosen in the right perspective means that someone has made the choice for you and all that you bring to the table…the good, the bad, and the ugly. Being chosen is across gender lines as well. Men chose women initially, but ultimately the woman must return that gesture and choose the guy as well. That means accepting people as they are, and all that they hope to be. If I hear, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” one more time! Before you exit the conversation because of my blasphemous comment, hear me out. I love the Word of God just as much, if not more than the next person, really I do but I’m annoyed with isolated scriptures used to make broad points. I digress.
Here’s where I haven’t quite flushed it out yet, there is an art to being chosen in a pick me culture. First, let’s talk about this “pick me” culture. I’m not the first to use this language. In Fact, here’s an excerpt from a Madameoire article from late 2018, check it out and I’ll be back:
“Since the beginning of time, women have been given a laundry list of things they need to do, say, and be in order to catch and keep a man. Somewhere during the past couple of decades, however, we became exhausted by these superwoman who goes to work all day, keeps the house spotless, and has a hot meal waiting for her man when he comes home tropes. And, slowly, women began to free themselves from the expectations of wifedom and shamelessly admit they can’t — or simply won’t– do it all. But that resistance has now, unfortunately, given way to “pick-me” culture.
Pick-mes are women who separate themselves from the pack by spending their days proving to men how worthy they are of love. They flaunt their celibacy, fertility, and every other antiquated trait of a “good woman” before men in the hopes that they will become the chosen one. This wouldn’t be such a problem if the pick-me quest didn’t rest on shaming other women who don’t make those same choices and denying one’s own desires for the sake of a man.”
Okay, so this article covers way more than my purposes for sharing, nevertheless, all great information. My point however is, many of these expectations come from men who do the choosing. Which is all fine, well, and good, however it coerces the vulnerability of many good hearted women that manipulates an exchange of emotions. It says, if you’re ALL of these things and some, you’ll be much higher on my list and much more likely to come through as my 1st draft pick ( I don’t know anything about football ya’ll, but it sounds like it makes sense lol).
“Pick me” culture sends women through these hoops and obstacle courses that says, if you do all of this then you’re more likely to be “chosen.” Being chosen is not exactly a bad thing, in fact, it’s a great thing, which is where I’ll land this plane of thought today.
To me being chosen is an unconditional demonstration of choice. Unaffected by what a woman does or says, being chosen shows the heart of a man who has made a decision based on character. In fact, here’s where this spill came from. Last night I watched a dating show based in Atlanta. 10 black men and 10 black women all got to know each other and eliminated 1 of each of the opposite sex at the end of the night. Two individuals caught my eye. Of all the women there, this particular woman wasn’t the most attractive, didn’t have on the most form fitting dress, and her face wasn’t beat to the gawds. No, she wasn’t overdoing it on the get to know me meter, she was simply being her funny, joke cracking self.
The host talked to all of the men getting their opinion on which women should be eliminated based on 1st impressions and conversations, a few of the guys mentioned her name. Well, there was another guy who she had hit it off with. While other men went on and on about why she needed to be eliminated, he spoke up. He said, you can’t eliminate her, because that’s who I have chosen….I’ll leave that at that.
To be chosen is an honor, not a privilege. Being chosen does not affect the worth or value of an individual. There is something so different about the dynamics of a relationship when a man makes a definitive statement that you are the one that he wants. In my experience, my most meaningful relationships have been the ones where the guy “chose” me. Not the ones where I felt the need to put my best foot forward or compete for his attention, but when he acknowledged that I was what he wanted, no strings attached, no auditioning necessary.
Here’s the caveat though, not everyone will see your worth, but that doesn’t mean that your value changes. Relationship and Life Coach Stephen Labossiere put it this way, “Just because someone is interested in you, does not mean that they are willing to invest in you.” I know several fellas if given the opportunity right now, would agree to “date” me, but the reality is, that acceptance is not a half proposition. To choose is to see beauty marks of imperfections and still agree to try. You may be all of that and some, but to the guy that’s not taking the time to see that or trying to see that, you’ll never be the right one. Don’t put yourself through it sis.
The Art of Being Chosen in a Pick Me Culture is simple. Be yourself and let the chips or men fall where they may lol. Be authentically you. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else. Anything other than that is a lie and it’s hard to maintain love for a lie.
Make sure you choose you too!