The Art of Being Chosen In A “Pick Me” Culture

Off the bat, I have one issue with the idea of being “chosen.” It insinuates that the woman must wait until she is good enough or noticed enough to join the the team. Beloved, you are ALREADY EVERYTHING! To be chosen in the right perspective means that someone has made the choice for you and all that you bring to the table…the good, the bad, and the ugly. Being chosen is across gender lines as well. Men chose women initially, but ultimately the woman must return that gesture and choose the guy as well. That means accepting people as they are, and all that they hope to be. If I hear, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” one more time! Before you exit the conversation because of my blasphemous comment, hear me out. I love the Word of God just as much, if not more than the next person, really I do but I’m annoyed with isolated scriptures used to make broad points. I digress.

Here’s where I haven’t quite flushed it out yet, there is an art to being chosen in a pick me culture. First, let’s talk about this “pick me” culture. I’m not the first to use this language. In Fact, here’s an excerpt from a Madameoire article from late 2018, check it out and I’ll be back:

“Since the beginning of time, women have been given a laundry list of things they need to do, say, and be in order to catch and keep a man. Somewhere during the past couple of decades, however, we became exhausted by these superwoman who goes to work all day, keeps the house spotless, and has a hot meal waiting for her man when he comes home tropes. And, slowly, women began to free themselves from the expectations of wifedom and shamelessly admit they can’t — or simply won’t– do it all. But that resistance has now, unfortunately, given way to “pick-me” culture.

Pick-mes are women who separate themselves from the pack by spending their days proving to men how worthy they are of love. They flaunt their celibacy, fertility, and every other antiquated trait of a “good woman” before men in the hopes that they will become the chosen one. This wouldn’t be such a problem if the pick-me quest didn’t rest on shaming other women who don’t make those same choices and denying one’s own desires for the sake of a man.”

Okay, so this article covers way more than my purposes for sharing, nevertheless, all great information. My point however is, many of these expectations come from men who do the choosing. Which is all fine, well, and good, however it coerces the vulnerability of many good hearted women that manipulates an exchange of emotions. It says, if you’re ALL of these things and some, you’ll be much higher on my list and much more likely to come through as my 1st draft pick ( I don’t know anything about football ya’ll, but it sounds like it makes sense lol).

“Pick me” culture sends women through these hoops and obstacle courses that says, if you do all of this then you’re more likely to be “chosen.” Being chosen is not exactly a bad thing, in fact, it’s a great thing, which is where I’ll land this plane of thought today.


To me being chosen is an unconditional demonstration of choice. Unaffected by what a woman does or says, being chosen shows the heart of a man who has made a decision based on character. In fact, here’s where this spill came from. Last night I watched a dating show based in Atlanta. 10 black men and 10 black women all got to know each other and eliminated 1 of each of the opposite sex at the end of the night. Two individuals caught my eye. Of all the women there, this particular woman wasn’t the most attractive, didn’t have on the most form fitting dress, and her face wasn’t beat to the gawds. No, she wasn’t overdoing it on the get to know me meter, she was simply being her funny, joke cracking self.

The host talked to all of the men getting their opinion on which women should be eliminated based on 1st impressions and conversations, a few of the guys mentioned her name. Well, there was another guy who she had hit it off with. While other men went on and on about why she needed to be eliminated, he spoke up. He said, you can’t eliminate her, because that’s who I have chosen….I’ll leave that at that.

To be chosen is an honor, not a privilege. Being chosen does not affect the worth or value of an individual. There is something so different about the dynamics of a relationship when a man makes a definitive statement that you are the one that he wants. In my experience, my most meaningful relationships have been the ones where the guy “chose” me. Not the ones where I felt the need to put my best foot forward or compete for his attention, but when he acknowledged that I was what he wanted, no strings attached, no auditioning necessary.

Here’s the caveat though, not everyone will see your worth, but that doesn’t mean that your value changes. Relationship and Life Coach Stephen Labossiere put it this way, “Just because someone is interested in you, does not mean that they are willing to invest in you.” I know several fellas if given the opportunity right now, would agree to “date” me, but the reality is, that acceptance is not a half proposition. To choose is to see beauty marks of imperfections and still agree to try. You may be all of that and some, but to the guy that’s not taking the time to see that or trying to see that, you’ll never be the right one. Don’t put yourself through it sis.


The Art of Being Chosen in a Pick Me Culture is simple. Be yourself and let the chips or men fall where they may lol. Be authentically you. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else. Anything other than that is a lie and it’s hard to maintain love for a lie.

Make sure you choose you too!

Life in the Hole: What’s Zaxby’s Got To Do With It?

18 whole sweaty hours! Stick with me, I’m going somewhere. 18 hours That’s how much I’d worked my first week on my new 1st job. I was 18, excited, bright eyed and broke. It was my first year at Wallace Community College and I had a new car that was thirsty for 87 regular. You can imagine my disdain when I overheard another, recently hired, coworker talking about the week in the “hole.” “Wait, what’s happening this week? And why is it in a hole??” Up until then I had never even heard the phrase.

Sometimes employers require their employees to wait 1 week after they start their new job to get their first paycheck. Not only did that happen to me at Zaxby’s, but it has become a recurring theme in my life. Allow me to share.

When I first started at Samford University, I recall applying for a particular scholarship. I was told flat out NO by at least 4 different people. Sure I was disappointed and discouraged, but I lifted my head and kept trucking. I could have said, “Screw it! I’m going to half @*$ this” but I went through my first semester with a smile and scuffling to make 1st of the month tuition payments. About one year later and dedication and elbow grease in hard labored research papers and exams, I received a call from the director of that scholarship program to personally offer me the scholarship. That was my year in the hole.

As I wrapped up my undergraduate career, I was still in need of more money. I happened across a scholarship announcement and contacted the people in charge. I was greeted with, “I’m so sorry, the application process closed on yesterday.” Good gosh darn! Really? *insert sad face* I responded with that’s okay, I’ll try again next time *smiley face emoji here.* The next summer I applied and 1 month later, I was greeted with, “Congratulations on being chosen as this year’s scholarship recipient!” That was my year in the hole.

When I was 14, I was invited to speak to a local congregation. I was uberly excited! I knew God had called me to something and I knew that He’d be with me. I spent days preparing my “speech.” The big day came, I stood at the podium by the front pew….and then it happened. If I had 15,000 things to say only about 15 things came out that morning. I remember leaving there so frustrated. God, you gave me sooo much to share…why, how’d I freeze like that? I remember it like it was yesterday, the Holy Spirit said to me, “Don’t worry, you will have plenty of opportunities to share what I give you and many places to share it. That was over 10 years ago. I’ve since, preached in several churches throughout Alabama. I’ve spoken in several ministry and non-ministry related arenas. I’ve lead several Bible studies and small groups from college students to preschoolers. I’ve had the opportunity to minister to teenagers as well as crowds over 70. Those, my friends, were years in the hole.

My fear is that people become afraid of a life lived without recognition. I’m wary of those who want a microphone and have not spent time with God in solidarity. Life is about becoming. All to often, we want a stage without sacrifice, triumph without trial, following without failure, and a platform without prayer. I’m an avid believer in the fact that the one who will not engage the neighborhood cannot speak to the nations. Embrace the time in the hole!

Life in the hole is not necessarily a bad thing. God is always preparing us for what’s next, but he’s also using us for what’s right now. You’re in good company, Jesus didn’t start his public ministry until around 33 years old. Life in the hole cultivates servitude, character, and a patience that encourages others to seek 1st the kingdom. Through this we realize that in seeking that, everything else is already and has always been right there where you are. Grace and Peace!

Brown Skin Girl

Brown Skin Girl…

I’m not one to pop up in debates about colorism within the African American community, but this one hits me with a special kind of funk. The first time that I recall being the darker one, was of course as a child among relatives. Not only were many family friends lighter in complexion, but had the long flowing hair and as if I didn’t notice it on my own, life sure as heck didn’t let me forget it.

Before I jump too far ahead of myself, let me be clear, this is not a pity party, hate driven, anti-fair skinned, natural versus relaxed kinda post, I just wanted to share three experiences that made me embrace the chocolate within.

(1)The very first time I remember being labeled the “other” was out and about with a friend. We couldn’t have been any older than 12 and 14. There we were on the aisle of a random Walmart when laughter and mumbling echoed from around the corner. It was a group of teenage boys (cue the chuckles). She knew all too well the next phase of this encounter as I stood by waiting for my first official “hollered at situation.” Three teenage boys walked over, approaching us on the un-recalled aisle, and as my heart raced, I remember thinking,” OMG! What will I say, What will they say, Which one will talk to me?” I didn’t smile much back then, (your girl had a chipped front tooth, but that’s another story for another day) so I fiddled my pockets in the background of a conversation that started without me. No one even acknowledged my presence. I was that dark skinned girl, overlooked, overshadowed, and out shinned by my light skinned, flowing hair friend.

This is one of a few examples that I can recall from over the years of adolescence. Even well into my adult life, I tried to make up for years of being the dark skinned friend by making my presence known and felt in any room with my charming personality. Unfortunately I quickly learned what’s not real simply can not be sustained. I’m not that friend that commands the room or the attention of the room. Honestly, I’m the girl that wants to be comfortable enough in her own skin that doesn’t seek validation from others. And that is exactly who I have become.

(2)Just a few weeks ago, I found myself crushing on a friend from work. It was bad, as in, I started to make eye contact that lasted longer than 3 seconds bad lol. Then I began to notice the kind of girls that he was into (at least from the information that I gathered by observing him interact with other women), and guess what, those women and myself were exact opposites in every sense of the word. For a slight moment, and I do mean a slight moment, I began to question myself. Am I not good enough? Am I not pretty enough? Was it because I was chocolate with a hint of adolescent acne still lingering around? Maybe because my hair didn’t flow or my lashes weren’t 2 inches longer. What was it? All of a sudden I found myself back on the aisle of that Walmart at 12 years old lingering around in the background of life.

But then, just like that…I snapped out of it. I’m not 12 anymore, I’m a few days shy of 26 and I’m a damn great catch! I was enough then. I am enough now. And I will always be more than enough. looking back I cringe at the idea of even entertaining the thought of the craved skin lightening cream…sis weeehhh?? Some days I feel crappy. Other days, I take a few extra minutes in the mirror admiring the complexities of my complexion. Twisting away at the coils of my curls. Examining in awe this crooked, yet beautiful smile of mine.

At the end of the day, it’s all about perspective. (3)This past weekend, I went home. While there, I ran into an old flame. We went out on 1 date about 6 or 7 years ago, and every time I see him, he looks at me as if he’s seeing me for the very first time. He drops his head and he grins as he makes his way to wherever I am in the room. He smiles and gently reminds me that I am still the most beautiful girl in the world to him. That puts a pep in my step every time and reminds me that this brown skin girl is so worthy of all the love sent her way and then some! Grace and Peace…

Brown skin girl, ya skin just like pearls, the best thing in the world. I never trade you for anybody else singin’.

Same skin that was broken be the same skin taking over. Most things out of focus, view, but when you’re in the room they notice you…

Brown Skin Girl, Bey

FUNdamentals: Fruit of the Spirit (KINDNESS)

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it. -Hebrews 13:2

K I N D N E S S

In my free time I love watching sermons from some of my favorite preachers. From the likes of Barbra Brown Taylor to Steven Furtick to Tony Evans to Robert Madu & Priscilla Sheir. One of my absolute favorite pulpiteirs however, is Rev. Howard John Wesley, senior pastor of Alfred Street Baptist Church in Virginia. The man is a preaching genius. In one of his sermon series titled Hidden Halos, he paints the picture of a time when he was confronted with the reality of entertaining an angel unaware.

Rather than recount his illustration word for word, below is the sermon. Start the video at 8:20-18:09, but feel free to watch the entire sermon at some point.

Being kind is much like anything else, a choice. It takes but a moment to be considerate of others. To avoid sharing more than enough information on kindness, as Pastor Wesley has done a marvelous job, I’ll share one final illustration.

I work with kids a lot. As a matter of fact most of my jobs during and after college was a mixture of children, youth, and young adult ministry. An illustration that I find helpful across all ages when it comes to being kind involves toothpaste. I’ll have two volunteer, and give each a tube of toothpaste and have a friendly competition. The goal is to see who can get all of the toothpaste out of tube the fastest. After it’s all out, I’ll ask who can put it back in the fastest. The look of despair floods the faces. I proceed to share that it’s really easy to say things, but no so easy to take them back. This simple illustration is a reminder that we should be cautious in what we allow to come from our mouths. The Word even tells us that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. What’s in your heart comes out of your mouth…let it be kindness.

Grace and Peace.

FUNdamentals: Fruit of the Spirit ( P A T I E N C E )

P A T I E N C E

In the late 1960’s and early 70’s, psychologist Walter Mischel conducted a series of studies on delayed gratification at Stanford University. In these studies, a child was offered a choice between a small reward provided immediately or two small rewards if they waited a short period. The tester would leave the room, often for 15 minutes or so and then return. Follow up studies showed that the children who were able to wait longer had better life outcomes as measured by SAT scores, educational attainment, and other life measures.

Now this is not to suggest that if you wait an extra 20 minutes for a sweet snack that life is automatically going to turn out better for you. However, it does suggest that there is something to be said about the link between delaying gratification and a fast track mind.

According to Psychology Today, patience is a lifelong spiritual practice as well as a way to find emotional freedom. But let’s be honest we did not need Psychology Today to tell us that. So what is patience? I’ll try to tell you something that you didn’t already know. Patience is an active state, a choice. It means waiting your turn knowing that your turn will come.

Practicing patience is one of the many ways to help alleviate stress. Choosing patience helps you to respond to frustration and disappointment in a way that proves beneficial in the long run. I look at it this way, it’s like waiting at a traffic light. When you’re in a hurry, it seems like everyone is zooming past and moving except for you. However, know this: the light can’t stay red forever. Eventually its going to change, it can’t…it won’t stay red forever.

Patience is a virtue. It’s not optional for the Christian. It’s not just about waiting, its what you do and your character while you wait. Paul talks about love being patient (1 Cor 13:4). He talks about patience reaping harvests like no other (Gal 6:9). Solomon talks about patience in anger (Eccl. 7:9). The writer of the Proverb says that patience is the key to calming heated situations (Proverbs 15:18). Jacob served 14 years to get his love Rachel, but he said that it only seemed like a few days because of his love for her (Genesis 29:20-28). What does patience look like in your life?

FUNdamentals: Fruit of the Spirit ( peace )

P E A C E

I must admit, I was a tad bit hesitant to write this post as I am. I kept thinking, in order for this to be effective, I at least need the peace that I’m about to talk about. I at least need a portion of what I’m trying to convince my readers to have. Then it hit me, peace is not the absence of difficulty, it is the presence of God within difficulty.

That’s it! Peace is God’s presence. It is freedom from disturbance, a calmness, a stillness, and a quietness. So much about life makes me uncertain, but even in that uncertainty, I have peace, because at the end of the day, I’ve got God, but more importantly , He has me!

I want you to know that it is possible to experience God’s peace on today…right where you are. Peace is not a destination, but an indwelling state of being. The beautiful thing is, with God…even if you’re not alright…you’re still alright! You can experience His peace in a number of ways, I’ll share a few…

  • Cast your cares/anxiety on Him because He cares for you ( 1 Peter 5:7)
  • Go to sleep (Psalm 4:8)
  • Get Him on your mind (Isaiah 26:3)
  • Do your part (Romans 12:18)
  • Fight anxiety with prayer (Philippians 4: 6-7)
  • God is not surprised…ever ( John 16:33)
  • God gives rest (Matthew 11:28)

A Prayer for Peace

Jesus, come into my heart and calm the raging seas of doubt, uncertainty, fear, and anxiousness. Remind me that you love me and in that love is concern for me. Take over my mind and fill it with things that are true, lovely, kind, honorable, and excellent. I believe that you know me better than I know myself. I believe that you care for me. Help me to cast ALL of my cares on you. Help me to bring them to you and leave them there. To carry these things is an insult to the cross as if to say, Your work wasn’t enough. Jesus, by your stripes I am healed. I want to rely on you and trust in this truth. Jesus you said whatever I ask in your name your Father in heaven will give to me. So I ask for peace on every hand, peace that truly surpasses my understanding. I am enough. I have enough. I do enough. Give me your peace that I may be complete. In Jesus name I ask, it is so and amen.

FUNdamentals: Fruit of the Spirit ( J O Y )

J O Y

It was C.S. Lewis who once said that JOY is the serious business of heaven. How beautiful is that? When I think of heavenly business, I don’t think “joy.” But what is joy anyways?

Notice that joy can easily be confused with happiness, or at least lumped in the same category. However, the two are not the same. Both are emotions congruent with feelings of satisfaction or contentment, but joy has much longer lasting effects.

Happiness is typically caused by inward earthly experiences and last as far as the circumstance allows. Joy, on the other hand, is an inward peace. It is unshaken by surrounding chaos of life. Joy interposes an attitude of gratitude and gratefulness.

The JOY of the Lord is my STRENGTH.

-Nehemiah 8:10

His joy is found in knowing Him and abiding in His word. It is a stillness and gladness of the heart. Therein lies the strength of His children. You know me by now, I’m all about practicality, so here are several practical ways to cultivate joy in your everyday lives.

  • Think on joyful things
  • Take inventory & write down what you are grateful for
  • Play with/ like kids
  • Meditate and enjoy the loudness of silence
  • Take a nap
  • Leave the phone and take a walk in nature
  • Get lost in a good book
  • Spend time with people who bring you the most joy